to my faithful blog readers...

i would just like to apologize for my 2-post rampage/venting about the stuff i've been having to deal with lately. you just wouldn't believe the year i've been having. however, i really shouldn't complain. after all, i couldn't wish for any more support than i already have. your thoughts and prayers mean the world to me, and they are what truly gets me through these hurdles. thank you for being so understanding.

sadly, i "gave up" emotionally on my kids this week. i was short-tempered, negative, and not understanding. they sure did notice the change -- quite a few of my 39 tweens asked if i was giving up on the class. without giving them a verbal answer, i think they already knew. today after school i found 2 notes. one was in my mailbox, and it was a letter from my teacher aide.

you are the Lord's instrument. He needs you to be there fore these kids.

it had a prayer card in it with a "teacher's prayer" on the back. the second note i found sitting on my keyboard when i walked back up to my classroom after dismissal.

please keep being as patient and as caring as you are and our class will eventually come around.

i feel like i shouldn't have given up so quickly. the good thing is that after hitting rock bottom (at least, i hope that was rock bottom! any further and i'd be in you-know-where!) the only direction to go is up. it's not going to get easier, but i think i'm going to get stronger.

thanks for the messages, kj.

the last straw.

what a day.

one of my students lied to me -- straight to my face. later on in the day, i questioned him on a different matter, just because at this point my trust in him was gone. it turned out the second time around he actually was telling the truth. so what does he do? goes home and tells mommy and daddy that his teacher is picking on him. does he mention the fact that he lied to me beforehand? of course not. now, i'm getting nasty emails from the parents and threats about losing my job.

give me a fucking break.

if the Lord is testing me, i think i've had ENOUGH.

in the desert

one of my students emailed me a very sad email. after reading the message, i really had to take a couple moments to just breathe. i think it was my erratic behavior today as a teacher that caused this student to email me. then again, it can also be seen as one of those reminders God gives you every now and then.

tuesday is our day to go to morning mass during lent. everything seemed to go smoothly while there early. except for a few misbehaving students in the back row, most of my class was too sleepy to even expend energy to fool around. until communion, that is. i don't know about you, but i think it's pretty obvious that while lining up preparing to receive, one does not engage in full on conversations with the people around you. you would think that years and years of catholic education would teach you this -- but i guess they forgot about that this morning. i had to "shoosh" them in front of the entire congregation (which was only about 15 people, but still). i then had students that found something amusing after receiving the body of Christ. what could be so amusing at this point, i have no clue. my mother used to tell me that if i laughed during church or while praying the rosary, that meant that the devil was playing with me. if this is true, then the devil must have been having a field day today. to top it all off, i had students that all of a sudden stopped before going into the row, held up the traffic behind them and created what could only be described as a 15 car pile up next to the pews -- all while others were trying to genuinely pray after receiving Jesus. i simply had to stand and stare. i was livid.

the rest of the day followed suit. imagine standing in front of your class, trying to teach a lesson, when 2-3 pairs of students are trying to have their own conversation. i don't let them get away with this (or at least, i try not to), so i start to give them nonverbal/verbal warnings, and i end up having to stop 5 times in any given 10 minute interval. this is pretty much our everyday, but today just seemed worse. by the end of the day, it took all i had in me to not run out of my class. honestly, i consider myself a pretty strong teacher and a pretty strong person. today, they seemed to beat me.

so, my student emails me and lets me know that she's sad about how our class is not improving. she desires so much to do the kinds of fun activities i did with my classes last year. my students that transferred to my present school after our other one closed have told this set of students that i used to be different. i was nicer, i didn't yell, and i was more interesting. and i would bet that if you walked into my classroom nowadays, you would not recognize the b*tch that i have become. is it the fault of my students? some would say yes. but at the end of the day, don't i always have control over what i say, what i do, and the teacher that i am to even the "worst" of kids?

i've tried being the old miss h., giving my kids small freedoms and laughing with them about silly stories and stuff we read in books or see on tv. i think the old miss h. does shine sometimes. but i revert back to the monster i've become when my students talk back to me, or when i hear my students trying to get out of trouble by using me in front of other personnel and saying "but, miss h. lets us _______!!!" the other teachers say that they know the students are lying, but i can see the judgement in their eyes. i'd like to see them last not even a day in my shoes.

in short, i have spend 10% of my time this year doing what i love -- teaching, and the other 90% of the time disciplining. i know that this is not what teaching will be year after year. and i know that i will get better as i put a few more years under my belt. sometimes, though, when you've spent so much time in the desert, it's difficult to continue to hope for rain.

young love, blogs, and (disappointing) diy cards

a couple days ago i had the opportunity to spend some quality time with my younger cousin, chi-chi. i picked her up from school and we had a nice lunch together while chatting about what's been going on in her life lately. boy, is she growing up fast. so fast, that i, along with my cousins and my sibs, are having a hard time accepting it. she just turned 16 and is no longer a baby, but she's the youngest out of the cousins that are close and sometimes we forget that she needs her space to be able to grow up somewhat on her own. i look at her and her sister and wish so much to spare them from the pains of growing up, and i especially want to shield them from the love heartaches that i know they will (and have) eventually experience(d).

i remember what it was like to be 16 and in love. i also remember what it's like to think that your bf is the most important thing in the world, and the downfall that comes with having that person hurt you and all of a sudden disappear from your life. being one of the oldest in the family, it is hard to just sit back and watch the people you care about go through tough times. but, i know that at some point you just need to let go. i suppose this is somewhat what parents go through, except on an even deeper level.

yesterday we went to her bday dinner at buca di beppo in the city. all 27 of her friends came, and while walking through the city received stares from onlookers wondering about the big group of asian teens passing by. (it reminded me of my days at uci...) it was fun observing the lives of today's teens, and especially interesting watching them interact with the opposite sex. oh, the excitement of young love!

on a different note, david and my wedding blog is up and running! i wanted to have a separate blog where i could detail the different wedding-related experiences that will soon be taking over our lives in case some of my readers do not care to read about that sort of stuff. heck, even david doesn't care for most of it! he's the type to make decisions quickly and painlessly. i, on the other hand, choose to ponder upon blue or green, flowers or candles, indoor or outdoor until my head spins. (and not from the vertigo! :P) so, if you would like to ponder along with me in the upcoming year-and-a-half, read this.

i participated in a valentine's day card swap with the bloggers/readers from this site that i often frequent and they posted pics of the diy (do-it-yourself) cards we all sent in. each of us received the addresses of 3 other readers/bloggers to whom we would need to send our cards, and in turn would receive cards from as well. sadly, i was disappointed with the outcome of my own cards. i made them in about 45 min. because i waited till the last second (of course) to send them out. i'm even embarrassed because i knew i could have done a better job. well, that's what i get for being last minute.

okay already!

well, you convinced me. here i am taking some time out of my not-so-busy saturday afternoon to re-enter the blogging world. i do have to say that i've been wanting to blog so badly -- for the past month to be exact. there have been so many things happening in my life. finding the time to write them down is another story.

the holiday season was wonderful! we had the usual dioneda family gatherings, with an added member -- david. this was the first christmas he spent with us and away from his family, and it felt nice to have him there. my vertigo woes put a bit of a dent into the fun, but i got over it and for now, i'm all good.

work has been...interesting. let's see here -- one fight, two suspensions, week-long detentions, sudden headaches, upset parents, recommendations, transcripts and failing students. i think that just about sums it all up.

wedding planning is now fully underway. i was issued a gag order the month of my engagement from my soon-to-be husband so that we could enjoy our engagement before the craziness begins. already this year we've been to 2 bridal shows and numerous venues. i even had a quick consultation with my wedding consultant, francia. i'll be starting a wedding blog soon to record all our adventures during the process! after all, not everyone (including david... ;P) wants to read about wedding this wedding that all day long.

the fam is getting ready for our yearly trek to the philippines. so excited about this. david and his mom have decided to come with, and i am sure it is an experience we will all remember. i love the philippines so much and am truly blessed to be able to go again. luckily, my principal let me take a few days off from school! he was hesitant but recognizes how many hours i work on a daily basis and said that i deserved a break. i'm scared, though. the last time i called in sick the class got all their cell phones taken away and were threatened to have their sacramento trip cancelled.

so, those are just a few highlights of what's been up with me lately. and now, for some photos!







i have more pictures to post but they're on the other CD. stay tuned! :)

unto us, a child is born

"And the Word became flesh and lived among us, and we have seen his glory, the glory as of a father's only son, full of grace and truth."

Happy Christmas!

update

the teacup ride is slowing down, thank God. hopefully it will come to a complete stop one of these days, but for now i am thankful that i can now move around without feeling uncomfortable. thanks to all of my friends for their thoughts and prayers. they have done wonders.

lots of things on my to-do list -- catching up is hard to do after coming back from being sick.

1. find a venue
2. send out thank-you cards that i've had for about a month now
3. send out christmas greetings
4. draft ideas for an upcoming project with lfm
5. work on these & these
6. grading, grading, and more grading
7. shop for gifts

december, where have you gone?

in the meantime, i have this for your viewing pleasure. my brother put it together. enjoy!

round and round and round it goes

when it stops, nobody knows. :/

thanks kirsten, noreen, boo, & everyone else for your thoughts at this painstakingly annoying time in my life. my vertigo has not yet subsided, and i can't tell if it's getting better or if i'm just able to live with the spinning and swaying just that much more than yesterday. i've already been out of work for 3 days and i fear that when i get back things will be worse off than when i left. i'm going to suck it up and go to work tomorrow, vertigo and all. let's hope the kids will take it easy on me. yeah right, who am i kidding?

i apologize for being such a debbie downer, but i'm on a never ending teacup ride and i want to get off. please make it stop.

on a brighter note, i am able to be on the computer for short periods at a time before my vision goes all wack-o on me. i've been browsing the hundreds of wedding websites there are out there and i must say that this wedding business is serious. i mean, serious. it's like a hobby for some people. just google "wedding invitations" and you'll see what i mean. [Results 1 - 10 of about 6,540,000 for wedding invitations. (0.22 seconds)]

franchu, i need you.

question for all you readers out there: would you sacrifice your wedding detail desires (i.e. favors, invites, etc.) for the sake of getting married sooner rather than later, or would you just wait the extra months to save up for what you really want?

just wondering.

and thank you, david, for putting up with my vertigo drama. yes...vertigo does suck for everyone involved.

benign paroxysmal positional vertigo.

last friday night i suddenly became lightheaded and extremely dizzy. at first, i thought that the hot fudge sunday i had just eaten from mcdonald's was the cause of this sudden onset of dizziness. however, when the nausea, dizziness, and vomitting did not subside for the next 3 hours, i knew it must have been something else.

david, my sister, and brother took me to the ER that evening and the doctors said i had vertigo. it basically is an imbalance you get that causes you to feel very dizzy and nauseated. the best way i could describe it is the feeling you'd get if you rode the teacups at disneyland and could never get off. that is how i'm feeling right now. i've been in bed for the past 3 days drugged up on valium. i'm starting to kind of "get used to" the dizziness, but it's still persistent and will not go away. even as i am typing this post my eyes are getting all cross-eyed and my head is swaying. david keeps telling me not to push it, but i am so tired of being in bed not doing anything.

the worst part is that the doctor told me yesterday that vertigo COMES BACK. it's not a one time thing. it'll come back and there's no way to tell when, nor is there a way to cure it.

prayers, please.

happy day of thanks.

the girls and i had a post-thanksgiving dinner yesterday night. the food was delish, and the company of friends was lovely. we had more food than this picture suggests, of course. anyway, i am so grateful for the wonderful friends i have in my life...here in the bay as well as down south. i wish i could have shared a meal with you guys, too.

read about my thanksgiving realizations here.

more pics to follow!


** on a more personal note, david come home! i miss you...

i don't know much, but i know i love you.

i will never forget my 26th birthday.

st. ignatius church. kneeling in front of mother mary and the blessed sacrament. prayer, peace, and family. it was all so wonderfully moving.

david, you are truly the love of my life.

WE’RE ENGAGED!!!

S.O.S.

CALLING ON EVERYONE WHO LOVES ALL THINGS RANDOM:

my school is participating in a trivia contest and scavenger hunt and we have until MONDAY to turn in the items listed below. do you think you could help?

- a business card with a picture of a donut on it
- a post card with a 2006 postmark from paris, france
- a red san jose sabercats cow bell
- a ticket stub from a professional athletic event played on 7/7/07
- a cracker box whose back panel contains a photo and signature of rachael ray with a copy of her recipe for "spinach and garlic vegetable dip"
- a "blue chip savings book" which contains one or more blue chip redemption stamps
- a cereal box which includes a picture of an athlete who attended a northern california four year university or college
- a postcard from disneyland postmarked during disneyland's 50th anniversary celebration
(francia....kathee....em....any chance you have this?)
- a receipt for a playstation 3 purchased during 2006
- a twa frequent flight bonus card

these are only some of the items...the ones i think peope will have the hardest time finding, and therefore the reason why i'm using my resources. :)

your prize? a free dinner and place to stay anytime you are in the bay area!!!

you can send these items to me ASAP (email me/comment and i'll get you my address), i'll return them to you after MONDAY, 10/22 and send you a reimbursment for the postage you paid. as you can tell, i want to WIN.

thank you.

am i crazy?

it's columbus day. we have the day off. the weather outside is beautiful...in the upper 70's and that's HOT for the bay area.

and i'm correcting papers in my classroom.

save me...

did you know...

that i'm really thankful for YOU being in my life?

when i blog about my teaching experiences i'm mostly just venting and trying to organize the thoughts running around in my head. i try to use it as a method of figuring out my next plan of action. but i think i get so much more out of sharing, because all of YOU are so supportive and encouraging. you really give me the energy to keep going, keep trying, and i am so thankful for that.

every day is a different day...different experiences and situations. some days are better than others, but all in all i believe that things are looking up. well, if they're not looking up they're certainly not getting worse as of this moment. i'll check back in in a few weeks...then we shall see.

for now, i wanted to share something that was shown to us during my most recent seminar.


be enlightened...

that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger.

doubt. it can be a very evil thing.

when i was hired last school year for my current position at my new school, they already warned me about my class. one of the first things they asked during the interview was about my behavioral strategies and how i dealt with "unruly" kids. i was so sure of my skills as a teacher at that time. after all, i apparently did such a good job that my old school wanted to promote me. and if could handle a class of 20 with little effort, surely a class of 39 middle school angels wouldn't be too difficult.

enter class of '08. the beginning of this school year has been probably the most challenging time i've ever had in my entire life. my class is full of pubescent energy and tween chattyness. when the boys are putting eachother in headlocks in the back of the classroom, girls are passing notes and trying to text on their phones, a small group of students are having an eraser war with one another, a handful of students are reading silently trying to drown out the constant noise of their peers, and yet another small handful are staring at me with their big eyes that seem to say, "get me out of here, please."

are they "bad" students? no. are they malicious? not by any standards. they are simply a class that likes to goof off, and have been allowed to for a long time. word on the street is that they even made a teacher quit in october. some would even say they're driving me down that same road, and i'd be lying if i said that wasn't true.

so right now i am trying to find the delicate balance of being the fun and ecstatic teacher i was last year, to the disciplinarian teacher everyone is saying i should be this year. i used to put my students into groups at least once a day, and have class instruction out in the sun once a week. we'd play all types of learning games, and have very meaningful discussions about real life matters every chance we'd get. so far, i've attemted playing 3 games this year and each time i had to stop it early due to misbehavior. what does work? silent seat work. yuck. there's nothing i hate more than silent seat work...it's boring for the students AND for their teacher! but this is what has had to have been added to our daily routine. so sad...

what's worse is the pressure i feel from others. parents expecting me to change their children into silent & attentive students, older teachers looking at me as the "new teacher who doesn't have her class under control", and students pushing me to my very limits. but the worst pressure is that which comes from myself. i try so hard to come up with new ideas and ways of "controling" their behaviors. my mind is constantly thinking of what i need to do next, how to react to student a, b, and c, and whether or not i'm doing a good job. to be honest, i don't really know if i'm cutting it.

i am faced with a daily struggle of providing a learning environment in which all students can thrive...and my few triumphs come in the small things. i have to always remind myself that God chose me to be here, and i just hope that one day i find out why and that i can prove to Him that He made the right choice. until then, i'm going to have to just keep going.

i ask for prayers, and for the strength and wisdom to teach with love. no matter what the cost.

"Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict - alternatives to passive or aggressive responses, alternatives to violence." - Dorothy Thompson

challenge for this week... seek peace.

the end of an era

i've been somewhat cutoff from cyberworld seeing as though my laptop is not functioning properly and david took his from me, but i can't say i'm all that upset because of it. it's nice to get away from the internet once in a while, especially if there are more important things to do...

like finishing harry potter and the deathly hallows. i think i cried at least once during every chapter. i really wanted to read this one slowly, perhaps so as to bide my time seeing as though this is the last book, but i simply could not put it down. what a wonderful piece of literature. as i read through the series, each book had more to offer than the last -- more action, more excitement, more lessons on how to be a courageous, how to be a good friend, how to love. and boy, the intricate connections throughout the entire 7 books...she is a genius. and i want to become a writer. or a witch...

the other thing that's keeping me busy lately is my cousin's 18th bday party. it's going to be the bash of summer '07 for real. and the dioneda family is going to do it up, hollywood style. we're having a red carpet walk, paparazzi, and black and gold everywhere. the cousins are even doing a weight loss challenge!!! so far i think david's winning...he already lost 3 pounds in like, 2 days.

summer is definitely winding down...i think the party and the best friend's visiting in august are the last two yahoo's for summer 'o7, then it's back to reality. i can't say i'm not excited about this upcoming school year at a new place, but i suppose i'm just not ready for summer to end. alas, we shall not dwell on that at the moment...there are still great memories to be had.

enjoy!

CAUSA party @ the Radisson, LA

Partying in Walnut Creek

Chrystal's sister's wedding, 777

they had this tight photo booth where guests could take pics for free!!! it was soooo cool. i'm definitely getting myself one of these! =)

multi.racial

http://www.myheritage.com

wow. black, white, & asian! what a great mix! :)

the order of the pheonix

david, my bro, & i watched harry potter and the order of the pheonix yesterday. i absolutely loved it. i actually was so anxious to watch it that i was about to go to the theater at 12:01am and watch it by myself! it made me want to re-read the fifth book again...i think i'm going to read half blood prince before deathly hallows is released.

my favorite part? when dumbledore takes off with fawkes...me and my bro kept doing his pose afterwards. haha! only those that watched would probably get the joke...

anyways, GO SEE IT. NOW!!!!!!!

i will write you a song...

10 random reasons why i love you:

1. you work all night long while i am sleeping away, get off your shift as i get ready for work, and still have the energy to drive to where i am and bring me my morning coffee.

2. you always let me have the last piece of food. even when you are still hungry!

3. at the airport, you stand in line for me while i take a seat in front of the tv screens and wait for our plane to depart. not to mention, you (most of the time) graciously let me sit next to the window.

4. if my room gets too messy, you clean it without asking. you even sweep the hair off the floor, and i know you hate doing that.

5. every decision you make involves me, whether i want to be involved or not. you value my opinion.

6. you support my job and the long hours it takes away from "our time."

7. when you gave your coach's speech in front of all those people, you weren't afraid to mention stuff about me.

8. you are concerned for my health. albeit sometimes a little "too" concerned (like when you tried to force me to take an asprin on my plane ride to phils. so that i wouldn't have a blood clot/heart attack?), but concerned nonetheless. like when you vacuumed your newly cleaned carpet because i was getting asthma attacks.

9. you absolutely love making me laugh. and laugh at you, i do. especially when you do the "pop, lock, & drop it" dance. that's my fave.

10. you love my family.

some guys give their girls flowers every day or maybe buy them expensive things...write them poems or songs or take them out to nice dinners. but for me, i'd give up romance for #10 any time...

i love you.

I don't know how to make lots of money

I got debts that I'm trying to pay

I can't buy you nice things, like big diamond rings

But that don't mean much anyway

I can't give you the house you've been dreaming

If I could I would build it alone

I'd be out there all day, just hammering away

Make us a place of our own

I will write you a song

That's how you'll know that my love is still strong

I will write you a song

And you'll know from this song that I just can't go on without you

I don't know that I'd make a good soldier

I don't believe in being violent and cruel

I don't know how to fight, but I'll draw blood tonight

If somebody tries hurting you

I will write you a song

That's how you'll know that my love is still strong

I will write you a song

And you'll know from this song that I just can't go on without you

Now that it's out on the table

Both of us knew all along

I've got your loving and you've got my song

I don't know how to make lots of money

I don't know all the right things to do

I can't say where we'll go, but the one thing I know

Is how to be a good man to you

Until I die that's what I'll do

I will write you a song

That's how you'll know that my love is still strong

I will write you a song

And you'll know from this song that I just can't go on without you