doubt. it can be a very evil thing.
when i was hired last school year for my current position at my new school, they already warned me about my class. one of the first things they asked during the interview was about my behavioral strategies and how i dealt with "unruly" kids. i was so sure of my skills as a teacher at that time. after all, i apparently did such a good job that my old school wanted to promote me. and if could handle a class of 20 with little effort, surely a class of 39 middle school angels wouldn't be too difficult.
enter class of '08. the beginning of this school year has been probably the most challenging time i've ever had in my entire life. my class is full of pubescent energy and tween chattyness. when the boys are putting eachother in headlocks in the back of the classroom, girls are passing notes and trying to text on their phones, a small group of students are having an eraser war with one another, a handful of students are reading silently trying to drown out the constant noise of their peers, and yet another small handful are staring at me with their big eyes that seem to say, "get me out of here, please."
are they "bad" students? no. are they malicious? not by any standards. they are simply a class that likes to goof off, and have been allowed to for a long time. word on the street is that they even made a teacher quit in october. some would even say they're driving me down that same road, and i'd be lying if i said that wasn't true.
so right now i am trying to find the delicate balance of being the fun and ecstatic teacher i was last year, to the disciplinarian teacher everyone is saying i should be this year. i used to put my students into groups at least once a day, and have class instruction out in the sun once a week. we'd play all types of learning games, and have very meaningful discussions about real life matters every chance we'd get. so far, i've attemted playing 3 games this year and each time i had to stop it early due to misbehavior. what does work? silent seat work. yuck. there's nothing i hate more than silent seat work...it's boring for the students AND for their teacher! but this is what has had to have been added to our daily routine. so sad...
what's worse is the pressure i feel from others. parents expecting me to change their children into silent & attentive students, older teachers looking at me as the "new teacher who doesn't have her class under control", and students pushing me to my very limits. but the worst pressure is that which comes from myself. i try so hard to come up with new ideas and ways of "controling" their behaviors. my mind is constantly thinking of what i need to do next, how to react to student a, b, and c, and whether or not i'm doing a good job. to be honest, i don't really know if i'm cutting it.
i am faced with a daily struggle of providing a learning environment in which all students can thrive...and my few triumphs come in the small things. i have to always remind myself that God chose me to be here, and i just hope that one day i find out why and that i can prove to Him that He made the right choice. until then, i'm going to have to just keep going.
i ask for prayers, and for the strength and wisdom to teach with love. no matter what the cost.
