in the desert

one of my students emailed me a very sad email. after reading the message, i really had to take a couple moments to just breathe. i think it was my erratic behavior today as a teacher that caused this student to email me. then again, it can also be seen as one of those reminders God gives you every now and then.

tuesday is our day to go to morning mass during lent. everything seemed to go smoothly while there early. except for a few misbehaving students in the back row, most of my class was too sleepy to even expend energy to fool around. until communion, that is. i don't know about you, but i think it's pretty obvious that while lining up preparing to receive, one does not engage in full on conversations with the people around you. you would think that years and years of catholic education would teach you this -- but i guess they forgot about that this morning. i had to "shoosh" them in front of the entire congregation (which was only about 15 people, but still). i then had students that found something amusing after receiving the body of Christ. what could be so amusing at this point, i have no clue. my mother used to tell me that if i laughed during church or while praying the rosary, that meant that the devil was playing with me. if this is true, then the devil must have been having a field day today. to top it all off, i had students that all of a sudden stopped before going into the row, held up the traffic behind them and created what could only be described as a 15 car pile up next to the pews -- all while others were trying to genuinely pray after receiving Jesus. i simply had to stand and stare. i was livid.

the rest of the day followed suit. imagine standing in front of your class, trying to teach a lesson, when 2-3 pairs of students are trying to have their own conversation. i don't let them get away with this (or at least, i try not to), so i start to give them nonverbal/verbal warnings, and i end up having to stop 5 times in any given 10 minute interval. this is pretty much our everyday, but today just seemed worse. by the end of the day, it took all i had in me to not run out of my class. honestly, i consider myself a pretty strong teacher and a pretty strong person. today, they seemed to beat me.

so, my student emails me and lets me know that she's sad about how our class is not improving. she desires so much to do the kinds of fun activities i did with my classes last year. my students that transferred to my present school after our other one closed have told this set of students that i used to be different. i was nicer, i didn't yell, and i was more interesting. and i would bet that if you walked into my classroom nowadays, you would not recognize the b*tch that i have become. is it the fault of my students? some would say yes. but at the end of the day, don't i always have control over what i say, what i do, and the teacher that i am to even the "worst" of kids?

i've tried being the old miss h., giving my kids small freedoms and laughing with them about silly stories and stuff we read in books or see on tv. i think the old miss h. does shine sometimes. but i revert back to the monster i've become when my students talk back to me, or when i hear my students trying to get out of trouble by using me in front of other personnel and saying "but, miss h. lets us _______!!!" the other teachers say that they know the students are lying, but i can see the judgement in their eyes. i'd like to see them last not even a day in my shoes.

in short, i have spend 10% of my time this year doing what i love -- teaching, and the other 90% of the time disciplining. i know that this is not what teaching will be year after year. and i know that i will get better as i put a few more years under my belt. sometimes, though, when you've spent so much time in the desert, it's difficult to continue to hope for rain.