to my faithful blog readers...

i would just like to apologize for my 2-post rampage/venting about the stuff i've been having to deal with lately. you just wouldn't believe the year i've been having. however, i really shouldn't complain. after all, i couldn't wish for any more support than i already have. your thoughts and prayers mean the world to me, and they are what truly gets me through these hurdles. thank you for being so understanding.

sadly, i "gave up" emotionally on my kids this week. i was short-tempered, negative, and not understanding. they sure did notice the change -- quite a few of my 39 tweens asked if i was giving up on the class. without giving them a verbal answer, i think they already knew. today after school i found 2 notes. one was in my mailbox, and it was a letter from my teacher aide.

you are the Lord's instrument. He needs you to be there fore these kids.

it had a prayer card in it with a "teacher's prayer" on the back. the second note i found sitting on my keyboard when i walked back up to my classroom after dismissal.

please keep being as patient and as caring as you are and our class will eventually come around.

i feel like i shouldn't have given up so quickly. the good thing is that after hitting rock bottom (at least, i hope that was rock bottom! any further and i'd be in you-know-where!) the only direction to go is up. it's not going to get easier, but i think i'm going to get stronger.

thanks for the messages, kj.

the last straw.

what a day.

one of my students lied to me -- straight to my face. later on in the day, i questioned him on a different matter, just because at this point my trust in him was gone. it turned out the second time around he actually was telling the truth. so what does he do? goes home and tells mommy and daddy that his teacher is picking on him. does he mention the fact that he lied to me beforehand? of course not. now, i'm getting nasty emails from the parents and threats about losing my job.

give me a fucking break.

if the Lord is testing me, i think i've had ENOUGH.

in the desert

one of my students emailed me a very sad email. after reading the message, i really had to take a couple moments to just breathe. i think it was my erratic behavior today as a teacher that caused this student to email me. then again, it can also be seen as one of those reminders God gives you every now and then.

tuesday is our day to go to morning mass during lent. everything seemed to go smoothly while there early. except for a few misbehaving students in the back row, most of my class was too sleepy to even expend energy to fool around. until communion, that is. i don't know about you, but i think it's pretty obvious that while lining up preparing to receive, one does not engage in full on conversations with the people around you. you would think that years and years of catholic education would teach you this -- but i guess they forgot about that this morning. i had to "shoosh" them in front of the entire congregation (which was only about 15 people, but still). i then had students that found something amusing after receiving the body of Christ. what could be so amusing at this point, i have no clue. my mother used to tell me that if i laughed during church or while praying the rosary, that meant that the devil was playing with me. if this is true, then the devil must have been having a field day today. to top it all off, i had students that all of a sudden stopped before going into the row, held up the traffic behind them and created what could only be described as a 15 car pile up next to the pews -- all while others were trying to genuinely pray after receiving Jesus. i simply had to stand and stare. i was livid.

the rest of the day followed suit. imagine standing in front of your class, trying to teach a lesson, when 2-3 pairs of students are trying to have their own conversation. i don't let them get away with this (or at least, i try not to), so i start to give them nonverbal/verbal warnings, and i end up having to stop 5 times in any given 10 minute interval. this is pretty much our everyday, but today just seemed worse. by the end of the day, it took all i had in me to not run out of my class. honestly, i consider myself a pretty strong teacher and a pretty strong person. today, they seemed to beat me.

so, my student emails me and lets me know that she's sad about how our class is not improving. she desires so much to do the kinds of fun activities i did with my classes last year. my students that transferred to my present school after our other one closed have told this set of students that i used to be different. i was nicer, i didn't yell, and i was more interesting. and i would bet that if you walked into my classroom nowadays, you would not recognize the b*tch that i have become. is it the fault of my students? some would say yes. but at the end of the day, don't i always have control over what i say, what i do, and the teacher that i am to even the "worst" of kids?

i've tried being the old miss h., giving my kids small freedoms and laughing with them about silly stories and stuff we read in books or see on tv. i think the old miss h. does shine sometimes. but i revert back to the monster i've become when my students talk back to me, or when i hear my students trying to get out of trouble by using me in front of other personnel and saying "but, miss h. lets us _______!!!" the other teachers say that they know the students are lying, but i can see the judgement in their eyes. i'd like to see them last not even a day in my shoes.

in short, i have spend 10% of my time this year doing what i love -- teaching, and the other 90% of the time disciplining. i know that this is not what teaching will be year after year. and i know that i will get better as i put a few more years under my belt. sometimes, though, when you've spent so much time in the desert, it's difficult to continue to hope for rain.

young love, blogs, and (disappointing) diy cards

a couple days ago i had the opportunity to spend some quality time with my younger cousin, chi-chi. i picked her up from school and we had a nice lunch together while chatting about what's been going on in her life lately. boy, is she growing up fast. so fast, that i, along with my cousins and my sibs, are having a hard time accepting it. she just turned 16 and is no longer a baby, but she's the youngest out of the cousins that are close and sometimes we forget that she needs her space to be able to grow up somewhat on her own. i look at her and her sister and wish so much to spare them from the pains of growing up, and i especially want to shield them from the love heartaches that i know they will (and have) eventually experience(d).

i remember what it was like to be 16 and in love. i also remember what it's like to think that your bf is the most important thing in the world, and the downfall that comes with having that person hurt you and all of a sudden disappear from your life. being one of the oldest in the family, it is hard to just sit back and watch the people you care about go through tough times. but, i know that at some point you just need to let go. i suppose this is somewhat what parents go through, except on an even deeper level.

yesterday we went to her bday dinner at buca di beppo in the city. all 27 of her friends came, and while walking through the city received stares from onlookers wondering about the big group of asian teens passing by. (it reminded me of my days at uci...) it was fun observing the lives of today's teens, and especially interesting watching them interact with the opposite sex. oh, the excitement of young love!

on a different note, david and my wedding blog is up and running! i wanted to have a separate blog where i could detail the different wedding-related experiences that will soon be taking over our lives in case some of my readers do not care to read about that sort of stuff. heck, even david doesn't care for most of it! he's the type to make decisions quickly and painlessly. i, on the other hand, choose to ponder upon blue or green, flowers or candles, indoor or outdoor until my head spins. (and not from the vertigo! :P) so, if you would like to ponder along with me in the upcoming year-and-a-half, read this.

i participated in a valentine's day card swap with the bloggers/readers from this site that i often frequent and they posted pics of the diy (do-it-yourself) cards we all sent in. each of us received the addresses of 3 other readers/bloggers to whom we would need to send our cards, and in turn would receive cards from as well. sadly, i was disappointed with the outcome of my own cards. i made them in about 45 min. because i waited till the last second (of course) to send them out. i'm even embarrassed because i knew i could have done a better job. well, that's what i get for being last minute.

okay already!

well, you convinced me. here i am taking some time out of my not-so-busy saturday afternoon to re-enter the blogging world. i do have to say that i've been wanting to blog so badly -- for the past month to be exact. there have been so many things happening in my life. finding the time to write them down is another story.

the holiday season was wonderful! we had the usual dioneda family gatherings, with an added member -- david. this was the first christmas he spent with us and away from his family, and it felt nice to have him there. my vertigo woes put a bit of a dent into the fun, but i got over it and for now, i'm all good.

work has been...interesting. let's see here -- one fight, two suspensions, week-long detentions, sudden headaches, upset parents, recommendations, transcripts and failing students. i think that just about sums it all up.

wedding planning is now fully underway. i was issued a gag order the month of my engagement from my soon-to-be husband so that we could enjoy our engagement before the craziness begins. already this year we've been to 2 bridal shows and numerous venues. i even had a quick consultation with my wedding consultant, francia. i'll be starting a wedding blog soon to record all our adventures during the process! after all, not everyone (including david... ;P) wants to read about wedding this wedding that all day long.

the fam is getting ready for our yearly trek to the philippines. so excited about this. david and his mom have decided to come with, and i am sure it is an experience we will all remember. i love the philippines so much and am truly blessed to be able to go again. luckily, my principal let me take a few days off from school! he was hesitant but recognizes how many hours i work on a daily basis and said that i deserved a break. i'm scared, though. the last time i called in sick the class got all their cell phones taken away and were threatened to have their sacramento trip cancelled.

so, those are just a few highlights of what's been up with me lately. and now, for some photos!







i have more pictures to post but they're on the other CD. stay tuned! :)