For I know the plans I have for you...

"True devotion to Mary takes its rise not from below but from above: not from feelings of affection but from faith.  In the first place it means clinging to God and accepting his design...God has willed to associate Mary with his work of salvation...It is not for us to set limits to the divine action or to dispense with the intermediaries God has freely chosen...In God there is room for every kind of superabundance."

- Cardinal Leo Joseph Suenens

taken from Through the Year with Mary (Edmisten)

I have never really thought of myself as the type of person that needs to be in control.  On the contrary, I've always considered myself somewhat of an easy going, laisez-faire, go-with-the-flow type of gal.  That kind of demeanor has always allowed me to be able to deal with whatever lemons life decided to throw my way.  

Recently, however, I've realized that I am much more concerned with my life's outcomes that I previously thought.  Perhaps it is my age (do people's lives really go downhill after 30?), my profession (what teacher isn't controlling?), or my status of being newly married (yes, it has been two years, but it's still new to me).  It probably also has something to do with certain challenges that have come up in my life as of late.  Whatever it is, I have this urgent need to be in the know about what is happening, or what is going to happen, today, this week, this year.  I desperately desire to map out a plan for the next 5 years of my life.  A plan for what?  For life, I suppose.  This concept is somewhat foreign to me, and I'm trying really hard to adjust.  

What I am slowly starting to realize is that, while it may be all well and good to want to road map my life, I am not leaving room for His plan for me.  Where is that supposed to fit in?  Are my plans God's plans?  Or vice versa? 

'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.' (Jeremiah 29:11)

He has a plan for me.  And when I dwell on the fact that things aren't working out as I had planned, when I become bitter about not getting what I want, when I think that life isn't fair because of what I have to go through, I am limiting his plan for me.  Not that I want to compare myself to Mother Mary or anything, but what would have happened if she decided to limit His plan for her?  Through her acceptance of God's will, the miraculous happened.

It's funny how amidst difficult times in my life, I often refer back to my college years when I first realized how much loving and trusting in God was integral to my very livelihood.  God's dreams for you are bigger than your own.  I remember saying that phrase often back then, and it rings loudly in my ears right now.  How easily we forget what's important.

Trust.  Acceptance.  Faith.  Clinging to God and accepting His design.  These might be the only things that are keeping me sane at the moment.  I don't like not knowing what's ahead of me, and I am having a hard time relinquishing control.  Though it is a daily struggle, I will continue to try and work at it.  It's not my place to try and limit God's action in my life.  In God there is room for the miraculous.  That's what I'm praying for.

choices, pt. 2

i choose love.

there could be many reasons why the Lord chose to take our baby away. there could be just one. i don’t know if i'll ever fully understand it, but through the sorrow and tears, there is love. and that is the reason i choose to believe in.

when i married david, i knew i loved him and believed in the vows we made before God. i knew that God chose him to be my soul mate. but it wasn’t until this whole ordeal did i realize why he was chosen for me. david was the only voice i listened to through my tears. he was the only one that made sense. he was the only one who understood what i was going through. he never got tired of how depressed i was; he never made me feel like i should be “over it” already. david was the one who kept reassuring me that our baby was with God, and that one day, God would bless us with the child we wanted. he helped me to realize that choosing to love and trust in God, even when it seemed like God turned His back on us, was essential for us to survive.

i didn’t think it was possible for me to fall deeper in love with david, but i did. and if taking my baby away was God’s way of waking me up and telling me that i needed to choose love over all else, the i can accept what happened. 

i choose love.

choices, pt. 1

it was exactly like how it happened in Marley & Me. in fact, we even joked about it while in the doctor’s office. my mind flashed back to the scene where jennifer and john were at their ultrasound appointment, and the technician began to look troubled as she stared at the screen. it was similar to the look that our own technician had – the “it’s bad news and i don’t know how to break it to you” look. our tech left the office to get the doctor, and at that point, we knew.

the events that transpired next came as a fast-sweeping storm. the doctor confirmed that our little 10-week baby had no heartbeat. i called my mom first, who through her tears kept telling me, “just try again.” then came the business part of it all – calling the school to tell them i wasn’t coming in, texting family members, talking to the doctor’s about what to do next, scheduling an appointment for the D&C. david held my hand the entire time.

i couldn’t sleep the weeks following the procedure. every night i cried myself to sleep. i couldn’t bring myself to go to church, not even on Christmas day. it was too difficult to even utter a simple prayer. this was not what i had chosen for David or myself. it was the first time in my life that i had ever questioned God’s plan and what He had chosen for me.

the turning point came on December 26th. we were having a 4 corners reunion, one that we had been planning for months. i didn’t feel like being there at all and almost came close to not going. i kept texting david, asking him when he was going to come and join us. all i wanted was the comfort of my husband. it was Saturday evening, and we got to church early so that Regina could sing in the choir. as we waited, i tried to figure out excuses not to go to mass. i didn’t think i could handle it, nor did i really want to be there. finally, i confessed to emely, telling her that i just didn’t have it in me. being the supportive friend she always is, she offered me a way out – cupcakes became the excuse. francia came on board and agreed to go on an impromptu cupcake run instead of Sunday mass. it quickly occurred to me that i did not want to be responsible for the potential spiritual setback of my friends, so i told them that i would be ok to attend mass. if i was going to choose between 2 of my dear friends skipping mass, or putting aside my pride and suffering through the mass, i'd choose the latter.

for the entirety of the mass, i cried. my tears would not stop, and even if i wasn’t thinking about anything, the tears continued to flow from my eyes. i chose not to open myself up to God that night in prayer, but somehow the Holy Spirit consumed me in ways i could not understand.

that day was the Feast of the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. in the first reading, Hannah, who is said to be barren, prays to God for a Son. she has a son named Samuel, and she and her husband take him to the temple to be sacrificed to God.

“’I prayed for this child, and the LORD granted my request. Now I, in turn, give him to the LORD; as long as he lives, he shall be dedicated to the LORD.’ Hannah left Samuel there.”

i think that after that mass, my healing process was able to begin.

new beginnings?

the double d's are that much closer to fulfilling their dreams. let's hope everything works out...

prayers, please.

the power of prayer

recently there have been lots of people i know who have been going through some rough times. my heart goes out to them...how i wish i lived closer so that i could be there for them in their time of need. i hope they know that there are so many people out there praying for them and sending love their way. things will get better...they always do.

my students asked me recently why God allows bad things to happen. i didn't really have a straight answer for them, but instead asked them how anyone would know what true joy felt like unless they first felt pain and sorrow. how could we ever know what love is if we first do not experience heartache? how can we know life unless there is death?

praying for you, my friends.

come and follow me, i will bring you home

a couple days ago i posted about meeting with my parish's young adult group. well, we met today and it was quite interesting! see, when the lady from the church contacted me, i assumed she simply wanted to point me in the direction of the YA group so that i could be a member. after further conversations and emails, i got the feeling that she wanted to be more than a member. boy, was i right.

i came to the meeting not knowing what to expect, but i told god in my prayers that i would be open to wherever he wanted to take me, as long as he would be there to help. the lady introduced me to the core group of YA's, and we all had a mini faith sharing about where we came from, who we are, and where our relationship with god was. towards the end of the meeting, she proposed that i be the "leader" or advisor to the group. i was truly taken aback! she had no idea who i was...she only knew that i had a bit of "experience" with YA's, yet she trusted me enough to be an advisor?!

after she left the meeting and i was alone with the core group, i confessed to them that all i wanted to do was join and be a member. however, if they needed me to be more than that, i would definitely be open to it. i told them that i would do whatever they wanted me to do, because all i wanted was to serve. i had a flashback to last sunday when father mentioned in his homily that we should all take life as it comes. deal with what god gives you, and have faith that all will turn out ok. i tried to keep this in mind during our conversations, because i really started to get scared. i am afraid to take on so much responsibility so fast...i'm afraid to have these people depend on me to lead them. i guess it's that fear that helped me realized i was doing the right thing. when i was chosen to be a leader in liwanag, i was afraid. the person who chose me told me that if i wasn't afraid, then it wasn't meant to be.

since i've moved back i've always been searching for a way back to the church. i've been wanting to be more than just a sunday church goer. i always felt like he was calling me toward something, but i didn't know what. i'm not entirely sure if this is it, but i'm rolling with it.

i'm going to have to dig up the binders and email my resources (ahem, kirs and fran and angie) to help me remember all the stuff we used to do. i even mentioned to them my affiliations with log, audience, and dwtl, and they already want to do a socal trip to get ideas and more inspiration! i really hope my socal peeps would be willing to help me out on this one.... ;) they also have had no exposure to praise music! (i know! what a tragedy!) i'm hoping to especially help out in this department.

in liwanag, we'd always tell our members that our mission was to spread light to those in darkness. how easily we sometimes forget about this mission when we graduate and move on in our lives. i know i forgot...and quickly. maybe i wasn't ready to do it all again a couple years ago. who knows if i'm ready now? i certainly am not sure...but what i am sure of is that i trust god. if this is what he wants from me, i'll do my best to oblige.

so right now i'd like to ask you all for prayers -- prayers for the group and prayers for myself, that we do what is right in the eyes of God, and that we take our inspiration from the Holy Spirit. i've gotten through many difficult and challenging times due largely in part to the prayers of those i love, and i hope this time is no different.

words

"Careless words stab like a sword, but wise words bring healing." Proverbs 12:18

Words are important: they can hurt or heal. Words can uplift us or discourage us, and reckless words, spoken in haste, cannot be erased. Today seek to encourage all who cross your path. Measure your words carefully. Speak wisely, not impulsively. Use words of kindness and praise, not words of anger or derision. Remember that you have the power to heal other or to injure them, to lift others up or to hold them back. When you lift them up, your wisdom will bring healing and comfort to a world that needs both.

-Criswell Freeman's Purpose for Everyday Living

* thanks, reg, for the words of inspiration. miss you...

* to my friend across the miles, it was nice talking to you today. keep your head up and be proud of the beautiful person you are.

breakthrough

and here goes another teaching story...

student: if someone makes fun of me i'm just going to make fun of them back. i've tried everything to stop making fun of people and losing my temper. i tried hitting the wall, i've tried screaming into my pillow, i've tried ignoring the person, i've tried it all and nothing works.

teacher: have you tried prayer?

our principal gave my class a talk today about the bullying that has been going on among the students, especially this week since we've been back. i was totally fed up with what was going on, nothing was working, and things seemed to be getting worse. after the principal left the room, i shut the door to my classroom and opened the floor for students to make comments about the bullying -- no holds barred. i explained (demanded, rather) that all of us were going to lay it out on the table right then and there, addressing each other directly by name.

and, that they did. specific people were called out for being bullies, being pushovers, starting rumors, being mean, and everything else. the ones being bullied confessed their intimidation and fears of speaking up in class. the ones doing the bullying accused others of trying to be "perfect" and gave warnings that high school would be 10 times worse. we've all been bullied somehow. are we just supposed to take it? if we don't dish it out, someone else will just walk over us. why are some people such big babies about it? why don't you stop when you see it hurts me? why do you roll your eyes everytime i open my mouth in class? why did you start that rumor? why? soon thereafter, the tears started to flow from a couple people. then, the teacher aide in my classroom bravely told the class about her experience of actually being a bully in 8th grade. she shared a pretty deep story. by the end of it all, there was not a dry eye in my classroom, and i was biting my lip in order to hold my composure.

my kids continued to share stories like you wouldn't believe. everyone had a chance to speak, and they spoke from the heart. the comments that some of my students made allowed me to understand them so much better than i did before. i was literally shaking to my core the entire time -- that and praying that God would inspire me with words that would help my students deepen their faith and their relationship with others. we ended our conversation in prayer, and everyone went around and prayed for at least one other person in the class. most of my students issued their apologies to whom they have hurt.

when we broke off for recess, one of the yard duty people came to me and said, "what the heck did you do to those kids?" i looked at her, smiled, and asked, "why?" she the told me that all my students -- all 38 of them -- were playing in one big group, hugging each other and just hanging out. the boys weren't playing basketball, the girls weren't practicing their cheerleading, they were just hanging out as one.

i'm realistic enough to know that this euphoric sensation will probably wear off before we even get through our spelling test tomorrow morning. however, i think that more than a few of them are changed for good. and i think all of them now realize that they can change, that they have the power to stop the cycle, and that prayer really does work miracles.

i don't think their classroom behavior will get much better. they're still going to be talkative, they're still going to fool around and try to get away with anything they can. but their behavior towards each other had taken an upward turn. and i'll take that over anything else.

to my faithful blog readers...

i would just like to apologize for my 2-post rampage/venting about the stuff i've been having to deal with lately. you just wouldn't believe the year i've been having. however, i really shouldn't complain. after all, i couldn't wish for any more support than i already have. your thoughts and prayers mean the world to me, and they are what truly gets me through these hurdles. thank you for being so understanding.

sadly, i "gave up" emotionally on my kids this week. i was short-tempered, negative, and not understanding. they sure did notice the change -- quite a few of my 39 tweens asked if i was giving up on the class. without giving them a verbal answer, i think they already knew. today after school i found 2 notes. one was in my mailbox, and it was a letter from my teacher aide.

you are the Lord's instrument. He needs you to be there fore these kids.

it had a prayer card in it with a "teacher's prayer" on the back. the second note i found sitting on my keyboard when i walked back up to my classroom after dismissal.

please keep being as patient and as caring as you are and our class will eventually come around.

i feel like i shouldn't have given up so quickly. the good thing is that after hitting rock bottom (at least, i hope that was rock bottom! any further and i'd be in you-know-where!) the only direction to go is up. it's not going to get easier, but i think i'm going to get stronger.

thanks for the messages, kj.

did you know...

that i'm really thankful for YOU being in my life?

when i blog about my teaching experiences i'm mostly just venting and trying to organize the thoughts running around in my head. i try to use it as a method of figuring out my next plan of action. but i think i get so much more out of sharing, because all of YOU are so supportive and encouraging. you really give me the energy to keep going, keep trying, and i am so thankful for that.

every day is a different day...different experiences and situations. some days are better than others, but all in all i believe that things are looking up. well, if they're not looking up they're certainly not getting worse as of this moment. i'll check back in in a few weeks...then we shall see.

for now, i wanted to share something that was shown to us during my most recent seminar.


be enlightened...

"Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict - alternatives to passive or aggressive responses, alternatives to violence." - Dorothy Thompson

challenge for this week... seek peace.

it was a good run...

still believin' for next year...

(don't mind my pose in that last one. boozer = soy sauce packs. yikes!)