choices, pt. 1

it was exactly like how it happened in Marley & Me. in fact, we even joked about it while in the doctor’s office. my mind flashed back to the scene where jennifer and john were at their ultrasound appointment, and the technician began to look troubled as she stared at the screen. it was similar to the look that our own technician had – the “it’s bad news and i don’t know how to break it to you” look. our tech left the office to get the doctor, and at that point, we knew.

the events that transpired next came as a fast-sweeping storm. the doctor confirmed that our little 10-week baby had no heartbeat. i called my mom first, who through her tears kept telling me, “just try again.” then came the business part of it all – calling the school to tell them i wasn’t coming in, texting family members, talking to the doctor’s about what to do next, scheduling an appointment for the D&C. david held my hand the entire time.

i couldn’t sleep the weeks following the procedure. every night i cried myself to sleep. i couldn’t bring myself to go to church, not even on Christmas day. it was too difficult to even utter a simple prayer. this was not what i had chosen for David or myself. it was the first time in my life that i had ever questioned God’s plan and what He had chosen for me.

the turning point came on December 26th. we were having a 4 corners reunion, one that we had been planning for months. i didn’t feel like being there at all and almost came close to not going. i kept texting david, asking him when he was going to come and join us. all i wanted was the comfort of my husband. it was Saturday evening, and we got to church early so that Regina could sing in the choir. as we waited, i tried to figure out excuses not to go to mass. i didn’t think i could handle it, nor did i really want to be there. finally, i confessed to emely, telling her that i just didn’t have it in me. being the supportive friend she always is, she offered me a way out – cupcakes became the excuse. francia came on board and agreed to go on an impromptu cupcake run instead of Sunday mass. it quickly occurred to me that i did not want to be responsible for the potential spiritual setback of my friends, so i told them that i would be ok to attend mass. if i was going to choose between 2 of my dear friends skipping mass, or putting aside my pride and suffering through the mass, i'd choose the latter.

for the entirety of the mass, i cried. my tears would not stop, and even if i wasn’t thinking about anything, the tears continued to flow from my eyes. i chose not to open myself up to God that night in prayer, but somehow the Holy Spirit consumed me in ways i could not understand.

that day was the Feast of the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. in the first reading, Hannah, who is said to be barren, prays to God for a Son. she has a son named Samuel, and she and her husband take him to the temple to be sacrificed to God.

“’I prayed for this child, and the LORD granted my request. Now I, in turn, give him to the LORD; as long as he lives, he shall be dedicated to the LORD.’ Hannah left Samuel there.”

i think that after that mass, my healing process was able to begin.

slow down!

have you ever felt like life was just going way too fast?

my life is literally flashing before my eyes. i swear that christmas was just yesterday, and yet here we are in the middle of february and so much has already happened since then...


my sis, friends, and family threw the most awesome party of my entire life -- david and my engagement party. it was the biggest, baddest surprise i've ever experienced and i enjoyed every minute of it. it makes me emotional every time i step back and realize just how many beautiful people i have in my life. i truly am not that deserving. the party even continued for a few days afterwards as the ol' crew became our first official house guests! though our time together was short, we had some wonderful conversations that took me back to our college days. again and again i was reminded of how God shows me His love through the people around me. we haven't had our house officially blessed by a priest yet, but i felt like after that weekend, our house became a home.

it has been quite the adventure trying to get used to living across the bay and all the other odds and ends that come with having a home. there are new "issues" david and i have come across regarding our home together, and we've been slowly (very...slowly...) working through them all. i never realized how much work a house is! there's just so much more space to take care of, to clean, to maintain!

i took my class on our first big field trip of the year -- our annual state capitol visit. it was a huge trip to plan, but it was so much fun. i had a lot of help, too, as many parents wanted to come along! the kids learned so much from the trip, as did their teacher. last year i wasn't able to enjoy the field trip at all -- i was too busy disciplining kids and making sure none of them escaped from the group. this year was so different. i was able to just sit back and watch as my students soaked in new information about our state government. it made me really look forward to taking them to washington, d.c. later this year.

interestingly enough, wedding planning has taken a back seat to everything else that is going on right now. i know, this is not good. most of our save-the-dates have been sent out lately, though they are a couple months late! our guests will be getting the invitations very soon after the std's...not ideal, but we can't help that now. there's just so much to get done, and everyone has been so nice about offering their help. however, if the bride can't get herself organized, how are people going to be able to help her? i'm so overwhelmed...

but, it's ok. everything will work out. i know it will.

oh, and i went to vegas last month with some fellow coworkers and had a blast! it was so much fun. during that trip i decided to sign up for the avon breast cancer walk in july. at first i wanted to do the sf marathon with david and derrick, but i realized that i do not like running -- especially long distance running. plus, the breast cancer walk is for a great cause! we are walking 52 miles over 2 days...pretty intense, eh? i think it'll be fun, though, and i'm looking forward to getting in shape with all the training we are going to do until then.

i want to say that i'll update soon, but who knows given my recent track record. oh well...until next time, then!

change

i'm not a fan of change. i don't hate it as much as i used to, but i wouldn't say i'm welcome to it all of the time. in fact, most of the time i try to avoid it.


today we had a very chill evening with the cousins for steph's last night in the bay. pizza, rock band, and forgetting sarah marshall. i was pretty tired from the day's events, but i was more sad about her leaving. i think i really was one of the people who really pushed her to go away for college and have the experience that i had. at the same time, there was a huge part of me that was selfish and wanted her to stay closer to home. i'm afraid that i'll miss too much of her life, that she'll have all these experiences i'll never know about, and perhaps i just don't like the idea of her being out of my "reach." little girls have to grow up sometime, i guess...

but even now, i'm telling myself to take comfort in the fact that she'll be in my hood. she'll be in a place where i reconnected with God, found life-long friends, and decided to dedicate my life to His ministry. no, i don't expect her to follow in my footsteps despite what the family says (not that that would be such a bad idea ;P), but at least i know she'll be surrounded by good people, and that she'll always have a safehaven to run to...just in case.

i really wanted to go with her this weekend to move in. i think it's better that i don't. it'll be emotional enough with her family, so i'll just cry by myself this weekend and wallow in trying to accept the change that is inevitable.

pray for us, please.

pictures!

CHARLES' 2ND BIRTHDAY

i love this picture. it really sums up the personalities of the 3 siblings. if you knew the type of people they are, you'd laugh at this pic...in a good way, of course!

uncle david and charles

birthday boy



CRUISE TO MEXICO, SUMMER '08

no, we are not trying these on for fun! standard emergency drill...

go for the GOLD, baby! we totally won at family feud, got these gold medals, and went around the whole night sporting the gold! so. much. fun.

the girls after dinner

view of the sea

we were on the bus to rosarito and there were these people that were singing songs that i've never ever heard of. they were young like us, too! so, maria and i started singing hiphop songs to our friends and they would guess the song.

** next picture post: em, fran, and chellebee's visit to SF! **

fading fast

a couple days ago i realized that i only have ONE MORE MONTH of summer left. can you feel my heart breaking? i'm so not ready to do anything more than sit at home watching tv and surfing the web. pitiful, i know, but oh so true.

don't get me wrong, i do try and get a daily dose of exercise in and go to the gym. i've been really into taking classes -- mostly cardio, some dance and the ocassional pilates session. most of the instructors use certain types of music to get people all hyped up, and sometimes they'll throw in a hip-hop song that i really like. when this happens, i totally sing along (well, more like lip-sync) and in turn will miss a step or totally do the wrong thing because i'm really just listening to the song and not the instructor. people look at me like i don't have rhythm, but really, it's because i'm so into the song.

i've been working out pretty regularly now and haven't seen too much of a difference physically. i figured out (with the help of my bro) that it's because i still am not eating as healthy as possible. i stay away from fast food most of the time (except when david insists on getting it!) and i totally cut soda out of my diet. but aside from that i'm not counting calories or anything. i hate dieting! i wish you could just work out and not have to control your diet and still lost weight. grrr...

so there a a couple new things that are going to take place in my life in the next few weeks. if you're interested, read on:

1. i'm joining my bro, sis, and cousins in dancing for their halau. my bro and sis have been dancing hula/tahitian for a long time, and my cousin, pj, just joined. i've been wanting to join for a long time but was either too busy or lazy. i'm so excited!


2. i'm meeting up with my church's young adult group! many, many months ago they passed out a survey where parishoners were to write down what they think the church could improve on. i made the comment that i hadn't seen the young adults active in the church, and that while the youth group was strong, the young adults were nowhere to be found. someone from the church contacted me and is coordinating a meeting with some other young adults and myself. we'll see what comes about from all of this. i definitely feel God's hand working...i wonder what he has planned!
   
3. i'm going on a cruise! to mexico!


4. i'm moving in with david. (more regarding this to follow later...)
   

so there you have it. life around these parts is never boring. oh, on a side note, check this out for your viewing pleasure! my david has invested in a very, very expensive camera and has been working on his personal portfolio. he's getting better and better every day at taking shots, and i'm really proud of how he's progressed.

here are just a few random photos from my good ol' point and shoot cannon!

the newest addition to the dioneda clan...noah douglass! he was a day old in this pic, which was taken about a month ago. the number of guys in our family are increasing!

my cousins and i at the most recent cotillion

mi familia...with all the s.o.'s included. this was at billy and pj's bday celebration at horizons in the city. my friends told me to hold my arm away from my body so it won't look fat...then they laughed when they saw this pic. suuuper posed.

and the following pics were from a night in downtown fullerton. that weekend was one of the best weekends i've had all summer. i'd almost forgotten how much i missed being around all my old friends...it's always good times with these people!

starting off sloooow...

you know how much we looove to dance!

i love this pic. except i don't like how derrick's hair looks. oops, i mean...i looooooove derrick's bangs in this pic. they look hot.

goodbye, fullerton. until we meet again...

whirlwind

the past few weeks have been somewhat of a whirlwind for me, and i think i am just now beginning to let my feet come back to earth.

the first major thing that took place was graduation. i survived my first 8th grade graduation with minimal setbacks and almost no drama. did everything turn out well? absolutely. was it perfect? absolutely not, but i will work on nearing perfection in the years to come. did i accomplish everything i set out do do this school year? no, but my main goal was to simply survive, and that i did. they say that a class like the one i had this past year only comes along once in a blue moon. well, in all humbleness i would like to say that i paid my dues and i deserve a break for at least 5 years until my next challenging class walks through my door. ok, maybe 3 years...but still. at least i know next year's class coming up will be somewhat a breath of fresh air for me. i've already had them for one period this past year and know them pretty well. they're a lot calmer, more respectful, but albeit kind of nerdy. and, i mean that in the most endearing way. we'll see if they stay the same once the school year starts.

what other things have consumed my life these past few weeks? well, my cousin had a baby! we have a new baby boy in our family (pictures to come!) and everyone is excited. the cousins, david, and i have been into playing monops (our term for monopoly, of course) and rock band until 5 in the morning. i'm trying to get into the habit of working out and am thoroughly enjoying the workout classes at the gym. and, perhaps the most apparent thing taking up my time nowadays is the wedding. oh, this summer is turning out to AWESOME!

some things to look forward to in the next few weeks:

• visits from socal friends
• visits to socal friends
• birthday's galore
• girlfriend cruise to mexico
• getting ready for next school year
• ...and more wedding stuff

stay tuned for my next blog entry: random factoids about me! i was tagged by one of my dear friends....I MISS YOU, GIRL! chrystal said she saw you at the gary v concert...just singing away to his songs! i totally could picture you in my mind!!!

an early start...

to summer '08!

what's on the (tentative) itinerary for this weekend? well, let's see!

• thursday evening - drive down to southern california. one white truck. 5 squished passengers. 2 flying into lax. ETA: 2am.


• friday - disneyland, baby. haven't seen you for about 3 years...oh, how i've missed thee!


• saturday - visit mesa court and tour the area. drive around irvine and get my cousin acquainted with the usual eateries and hang-out spots.


• saturday afternoon/evening - sprit rally!


• saturday evening - *secret*


• sunday - mass at the 'faith. drive back up to northern california. ETA: 8pm.

in case you didn't know, my cousin, stephanie, got accepted into UCI! :) she's planning on entering the school of engineering as a civil engineer. last weekend she flew down with my sis and took a day trip to uci during wayzgoose. she loved it and came home very excited. i'm hoping to gently push her into liwanag and get her in early -- you know, before all the others. hey, she's free to make her own decisions, but it may help to steer her in the right direction. :D i'd feel so much better about her being so far away if she was in the right hands.

anyway, the plan is for her sib's to come along with us. my sister and her bf will meet us there since they have travel benefits and can basically fly wherever they want. should be a fun road trip if everything works out.

anyone else going to rally?

i miss them already...

just because...

just love these boys. these photos were taken by david on the boys' 6th birthday last november. i haven't seen them since christmas but i bet they've already grown since then.

young love, blogs, and (disappointing) diy cards

a couple days ago i had the opportunity to spend some quality time with my younger cousin, chi-chi. i picked her up from school and we had a nice lunch together while chatting about what's been going on in her life lately. boy, is she growing up fast. so fast, that i, along with my cousins and my sibs, are having a hard time accepting it. she just turned 16 and is no longer a baby, but she's the youngest out of the cousins that are close and sometimes we forget that she needs her space to be able to grow up somewhat on her own. i look at her and her sister and wish so much to spare them from the pains of growing up, and i especially want to shield them from the love heartaches that i know they will (and have) eventually experience(d).

i remember what it was like to be 16 and in love. i also remember what it's like to think that your bf is the most important thing in the world, and the downfall that comes with having that person hurt you and all of a sudden disappear from your life. being one of the oldest in the family, it is hard to just sit back and watch the people you care about go through tough times. but, i know that at some point you just need to let go. i suppose this is somewhat what parents go through, except on an even deeper level.

yesterday we went to her bday dinner at buca di beppo in the city. all 27 of her friends came, and while walking through the city received stares from onlookers wondering about the big group of asian teens passing by. (it reminded me of my days at uci...) it was fun observing the lives of today's teens, and especially interesting watching them interact with the opposite sex. oh, the excitement of young love!

on a different note, david and my wedding blog is up and running! i wanted to have a separate blog where i could detail the different wedding-related experiences that will soon be taking over our lives in case some of my readers do not care to read about that sort of stuff. heck, even david doesn't care for most of it! he's the type to make decisions quickly and painlessly. i, on the other hand, choose to ponder upon blue or green, flowers or candles, indoor or outdoor until my head spins. (and not from the vertigo! :P) so, if you would like to ponder along with me in the upcoming year-and-a-half, read this.

i participated in a valentine's day card swap with the bloggers/readers from this site that i often frequent and they posted pics of the diy (do-it-yourself) cards we all sent in. each of us received the addresses of 3 other readers/bloggers to whom we would need to send our cards, and in turn would receive cards from as well. sadly, i was disappointed with the outcome of my own cards. i made them in about 45 min. because i waited till the last second (of course) to send them out. i'm even embarrassed because i knew i could have done a better job. well, that's what i get for being last minute.