Saints Anne & Joachim, pray for us.

Good parents of the Blessed Virgin Mary, grandparents of our Savior, Jesus Christ,

When life seems barren,
help us to trust in God's mercy.

When we are confused,
help us to find the way to God.

When we are lost in the desert,
lead us to those whom God has called us to love.

When our marriage seems lifeless,
show us the eternal youth of the Lord.

When we are selfish,
teach us to cling only to that which lasts.

When we are afraid,
help us to trust in God.

When we are ashamed,
remind us that we are God's children.

When we sin,
lead us to do God's will.

You who know God's will for a husband and wife,
help us to live chastely.

You who know God's will for the family,
keep all families close to you.

You who suffered without children,
intercede for all infertile couples.

You who trusted in God's will,
help us to respect God's gift of fertility.

You who gave birth to the Blessed Mother,
inspire couples to be co-creators with God.

You who taught the Mother of God,
teacher us to nurture children in holy instruction.

You whose hearts trusted in God,
hear our prayers...

Pray with us for the ministry of Catholic family life.
Pray with us for the ministry of Natural Family Planning.
Pray with us for all who give their time, talent, and treasure to this good work.

choices, pt. 1

it was exactly like how it happened in Marley & Me. in fact, we even joked about it while in the doctor’s office. my mind flashed back to the scene where jennifer and john were at their ultrasound appointment, and the technician began to look troubled as she stared at the screen. it was similar to the look that our own technician had – the “it’s bad news and i don’t know how to break it to you” look. our tech left the office to get the doctor, and at that point, we knew.

the events that transpired next came as a fast-sweeping storm. the doctor confirmed that our little 10-week baby had no heartbeat. i called my mom first, who through her tears kept telling me, “just try again.” then came the business part of it all – calling the school to tell them i wasn’t coming in, texting family members, talking to the doctor’s about what to do next, scheduling an appointment for the D&C. david held my hand the entire time.

i couldn’t sleep the weeks following the procedure. every night i cried myself to sleep. i couldn’t bring myself to go to church, not even on Christmas day. it was too difficult to even utter a simple prayer. this was not what i had chosen for David or myself. it was the first time in my life that i had ever questioned God’s plan and what He had chosen for me.

the turning point came on December 26th. we were having a 4 corners reunion, one that we had been planning for months. i didn’t feel like being there at all and almost came close to not going. i kept texting david, asking him when he was going to come and join us. all i wanted was the comfort of my husband. it was Saturday evening, and we got to church early so that Regina could sing in the choir. as we waited, i tried to figure out excuses not to go to mass. i didn’t think i could handle it, nor did i really want to be there. finally, i confessed to emely, telling her that i just didn’t have it in me. being the supportive friend she always is, she offered me a way out – cupcakes became the excuse. francia came on board and agreed to go on an impromptu cupcake run instead of Sunday mass. it quickly occurred to me that i did not want to be responsible for the potential spiritual setback of my friends, so i told them that i would be ok to attend mass. if i was going to choose between 2 of my dear friends skipping mass, or putting aside my pride and suffering through the mass, i'd choose the latter.

for the entirety of the mass, i cried. my tears would not stop, and even if i wasn’t thinking about anything, the tears continued to flow from my eyes. i chose not to open myself up to God that night in prayer, but somehow the Holy Spirit consumed me in ways i could not understand.

that day was the Feast of the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. in the first reading, Hannah, who is said to be barren, prays to God for a Son. she has a son named Samuel, and she and her husband take him to the temple to be sacrificed to God.

“’I prayed for this child, and the LORD granted my request. Now I, in turn, give him to the LORD; as long as he lives, he shall be dedicated to the LORD.’ Hannah left Samuel there.”

i think that after that mass, my healing process was able to begin.

new beginnings?

the double d's are that much closer to fulfilling their dreams. let's hope everything works out...

prayers, please.

the power of prayer

recently there have been lots of people i know who have been going through some rough times. my heart goes out to them...how i wish i lived closer so that i could be there for them in their time of need. i hope they know that there are so many people out there praying for them and sending love their way. things will get better...they always do.

my students asked me recently why God allows bad things to happen. i didn't really have a straight answer for them, but instead asked them how anyone would know what true joy felt like unless they first felt pain and sorrow. how could we ever know what love is if we first do not experience heartache? how can we know life unless there is death?

praying for you, my friends.

come and follow me, i will bring you home

a couple days ago i posted about meeting with my parish's young adult group. well, we met today and it was quite interesting! see, when the lady from the church contacted me, i assumed she simply wanted to point me in the direction of the YA group so that i could be a member. after further conversations and emails, i got the feeling that she wanted to be more than a member. boy, was i right.

i came to the meeting not knowing what to expect, but i told god in my prayers that i would be open to wherever he wanted to take me, as long as he would be there to help. the lady introduced me to the core group of YA's, and we all had a mini faith sharing about where we came from, who we are, and where our relationship with god was. towards the end of the meeting, she proposed that i be the "leader" or advisor to the group. i was truly taken aback! she had no idea who i was...she only knew that i had a bit of "experience" with YA's, yet she trusted me enough to be an advisor?!

after she left the meeting and i was alone with the core group, i confessed to them that all i wanted to do was join and be a member. however, if they needed me to be more than that, i would definitely be open to it. i told them that i would do whatever they wanted me to do, because all i wanted was to serve. i had a flashback to last sunday when father mentioned in his homily that we should all take life as it comes. deal with what god gives you, and have faith that all will turn out ok. i tried to keep this in mind during our conversations, because i really started to get scared. i am afraid to take on so much responsibility so fast...i'm afraid to have these people depend on me to lead them. i guess it's that fear that helped me realized i was doing the right thing. when i was chosen to be a leader in liwanag, i was afraid. the person who chose me told me that if i wasn't afraid, then it wasn't meant to be.

since i've moved back i've always been searching for a way back to the church. i've been wanting to be more than just a sunday church goer. i always felt like he was calling me toward something, but i didn't know what. i'm not entirely sure if this is it, but i'm rolling with it.

i'm going to have to dig up the binders and email my resources (ahem, kirs and fran and angie) to help me remember all the stuff we used to do. i even mentioned to them my affiliations with log, audience, and dwtl, and they already want to do a socal trip to get ideas and more inspiration! i really hope my socal peeps would be willing to help me out on this one.... ;) they also have had no exposure to praise music! (i know! what a tragedy!) i'm hoping to especially help out in this department.

in liwanag, we'd always tell our members that our mission was to spread light to those in darkness. how easily we sometimes forget about this mission when we graduate and move on in our lives. i know i forgot...and quickly. maybe i wasn't ready to do it all again a couple years ago. who knows if i'm ready now? i certainly am not sure...but what i am sure of is that i trust god. if this is what he wants from me, i'll do my best to oblige.

so right now i'd like to ask you all for prayers -- prayers for the group and prayers for myself, that we do what is right in the eyes of God, and that we take our inspiration from the Holy Spirit. i've gotten through many difficult and challenging times due largely in part to the prayers of those i love, and i hope this time is no different.

prayers are needed...

for friend that is very close to my heart. she's one of my oldest friends and she's going through some tough and uncertain times. please help me in praying for her. thank you.

breakthrough

and here goes another teaching story...

student: if someone makes fun of me i'm just going to make fun of them back. i've tried everything to stop making fun of people and losing my temper. i tried hitting the wall, i've tried screaming into my pillow, i've tried ignoring the person, i've tried it all and nothing works.

teacher: have you tried prayer?

our principal gave my class a talk today about the bullying that has been going on among the students, especially this week since we've been back. i was totally fed up with what was going on, nothing was working, and things seemed to be getting worse. after the principal left the room, i shut the door to my classroom and opened the floor for students to make comments about the bullying -- no holds barred. i explained (demanded, rather) that all of us were going to lay it out on the table right then and there, addressing each other directly by name.

and, that they did. specific people were called out for being bullies, being pushovers, starting rumors, being mean, and everything else. the ones being bullied confessed their intimidation and fears of speaking up in class. the ones doing the bullying accused others of trying to be "perfect" and gave warnings that high school would be 10 times worse. we've all been bullied somehow. are we just supposed to take it? if we don't dish it out, someone else will just walk over us. why are some people such big babies about it? why don't you stop when you see it hurts me? why do you roll your eyes everytime i open my mouth in class? why did you start that rumor? why? soon thereafter, the tears started to flow from a couple people. then, the teacher aide in my classroom bravely told the class about her experience of actually being a bully in 8th grade. she shared a pretty deep story. by the end of it all, there was not a dry eye in my classroom, and i was biting my lip in order to hold my composure.

my kids continued to share stories like you wouldn't believe. everyone had a chance to speak, and they spoke from the heart. the comments that some of my students made allowed me to understand them so much better than i did before. i was literally shaking to my core the entire time -- that and praying that God would inspire me with words that would help my students deepen their faith and their relationship with others. we ended our conversation in prayer, and everyone went around and prayed for at least one other person in the class. most of my students issued their apologies to whom they have hurt.

when we broke off for recess, one of the yard duty people came to me and said, "what the heck did you do to those kids?" i looked at her, smiled, and asked, "why?" she the told me that all my students -- all 38 of them -- were playing in one big group, hugging each other and just hanging out. the boys weren't playing basketball, the girls weren't practicing their cheerleading, they were just hanging out as one.

i'm realistic enough to know that this euphoric sensation will probably wear off before we even get through our spelling test tomorrow morning. however, i think that more than a few of them are changed for good. and i think all of them now realize that they can change, that they have the power to stop the cycle, and that prayer really does work miracles.

i don't think their classroom behavior will get much better. they're still going to be talkative, they're still going to fool around and try to get away with anything they can. but their behavior towards each other had taken an upward turn. and i'll take that over anything else.

to my faithful blog readers...

i would just like to apologize for my 2-post rampage/venting about the stuff i've been having to deal with lately. you just wouldn't believe the year i've been having. however, i really shouldn't complain. after all, i couldn't wish for any more support than i already have. your thoughts and prayers mean the world to me, and they are what truly gets me through these hurdles. thank you for being so understanding.

sadly, i "gave up" emotionally on my kids this week. i was short-tempered, negative, and not understanding. they sure did notice the change -- quite a few of my 39 tweens asked if i was giving up on the class. without giving them a verbal answer, i think they already knew. today after school i found 2 notes. one was in my mailbox, and it was a letter from my teacher aide.

you are the Lord's instrument. He needs you to be there fore these kids.

it had a prayer card in it with a "teacher's prayer" on the back. the second note i found sitting on my keyboard when i walked back up to my classroom after dismissal.

please keep being as patient and as caring as you are and our class will eventually come around.

i feel like i shouldn't have given up so quickly. the good thing is that after hitting rock bottom (at least, i hope that was rock bottom! any further and i'd be in you-know-where!) the only direction to go is up. it's not going to get easier, but i think i'm going to get stronger.

thanks for the messages, kj.

On the Road...

it has been almost two years since i made the move back to the bay -- a change in my life that i was weary of, yet ready for. and as i reflect back on what a journey it has been, i am awestruck at the unfolding of His plans for me.

how am i to prepare for tomorrow?

reflect back on yesterday and today...

in the days of yore when i used to live in socal, being a faithful Catholic was easy. it was not devoid of challenges and heartaches, persay, but it was definitely easier to get through life's darkest moments because of what/whom i was surrounded by. sunday's were dedicated to serving at the Holy Mass -- singing, leading, minstering in the highest form of praise possible. if i ever needed to be refreshed in my faith, i had tuesday meetings. felt the need to be with Him? midnight trips to the blessed sacrament were frequent and always with people who understood my need to just be in His presence. the people...how strong the relationships built upon Christ's love really are!

i always talk about how things are so different here. i find myself struggling to go to mass every week. friends are not as readily available to talk to about daily crosses, which seem to be quite a bit heavier nowadays. my tuesday nights are usually spent watching american idol. and yet, as i prepare to conduct our school's prayer service tomorrow morning, i begin to see again the unfolding of His intricate plan.

the road to emmaus...

the story is about how Jesus' friends were not able to recognize Him and He was right in front of their faces the entire time. they walked on the road with Him, chatted a bit, He taught them a thing or two about scripture, and they still could not see. it was not until "He had been made known to them in the breaking of the bread" that their eyes were opened.

it's not as easy for me now to be a faithful servant without all the spiritual ammenities being readily available at my disposal. but i suppose that's the whole point -- being able to recognize Him in everything that i do, all that i say, each person that i meet, the students that i teach. He has been walking on the road with me the entire time. my eyes have just chosen not to see...

for whatever reason, i have been fearful and hesitant to fully let my spiritual leadership side show in front of the entire community, and i know that this can no longer be. this is what i was born for.

do you want to know my most favorite part of the day was today? seeing the kindergarteners, 1st, and 2nd graders lead the rosary with poise, confidence, and child-like spirit. they were the teachers today. the face of God can be no more apparent than in the face of a child.

please pray for our prayer service tomorrow. if log peeps were there they'd be able to sing along with our praises: Open the Eyes, Holy Is His Name, One Bread One Body, & God of Wonders. pray that i have the courage to lead through my actions and my words, and that the children will find the courage to open their eyes and hearts to Him.

May they recognize Him in the breaking of the bread.

for i know the plans i have for you...

i signed.

...my contract, that is! it is official -- i am remaining at my school for the '07-'08 school year. after much deliberation, consultation, worrying, meditation and prayer i arrived at my decision and i am happy with it. i know that come next year it may be more than i can handle, but this is my path and i'm gonna live it up....

as a VICE PRINCIPAL! =) and a teacher, of course! i'm moving up with my class, so i'll teach 7th grade as well as carry out duties as vp. i'm so excited for this next step in my professional career and am anxious as to what it will bring. and, i am thankful. i know i don't deserve it and that i cannot do it alone...i'm gonna try my best to take a back seat and let Him do the driving.

i told my kids the news and they screamed and cheered. one of them grabbed a tissue because she said she was going to cry! another humble affirmation that this is where i'm supposed to be.

* * *

random thoughts:

- can't wait for this weekend.
- got my Everyday Beauty album by AE from CK and am dying to start.
- i love my CD's from the Phils. especially these two:

















- i have a pile of "to be graded" papers about 3 ft. high.
- didn't know the labels for blogger posts have to be separated by a comma. duh, dee.
- so ready for rally.
- trying to finish my CJ! sorry, babysitters!
- need to post pics from Phils.
- summer is coming so fast...vegas, anyone?

revived&resurrected.

i am jetlagged. hence, the 1:30am blogging...

my trip to the philippines was, needless to say, amazing. i think two weeks away from the busyness and stress of life here was just what i needed to refresh myself and start anew. it was wonderful. last year's trip back home was bittersweet; my lola had just passed and our purpose for going was solely to be there for my mom and to help out with our responsibilities over there. this year was different. we were able to enjoy it a lot more, talk and bond more with my pinsans, and simply soak in all that the philippines had to offer. on top of that, more of my family members came which made it that much more enjoyable. i wish that my visits there could be more than just once a year. at times i felt like i was making up for lost time when it came to getting to know some of our family over there. no matter how tired or hot or uncomfortable i felt i would try and force myself to endure it all so that i could spend as much time with them as i possibly could. but i suppose this is how it was meant to be, and i can only be grateful that i have had the chance, twice now, to connect with them and begin new relationships that will hopefully last for a long time.

after being immersed in a different culture in a different county for some time, i found myself once again grateful for the things that i have here in america -- freedom, a good job, education, a chance to climb the professional ladder and provide for myself and my future family...and toilet paper. i am also reminded of things that they have that i would like to work on -- respect for my elders, the closeness of my family, and the value of being grateful for each meal i partake in. little reminders that i am sure will allow my life to be that much more fulfilling.

i am still working on getting back into the swing of things. i went into work today with no lesson plan whatsover. in fact, i arrived just after the bell rang! but like i mentioned earlier, i am refreshed and am prepared to wrap up the end of the school year with a BANG!, especially after hearing the wonderful news...my school is staying open for next year! :) yes, we were able to get our numbers up and survive the numerous pitfalls and challenges presented our way and are now preparing to open once again. thank you for your prayers. i still have yet to decide whether or not i am going to stay. there's a lot more that i can't mention on a public blog, but i just want to make sure i make the right decision. i want to work for leaders i believe in. not sure if that'll be the case for next year...

anyways, i think i'll try to get to bed now. i'm not tired, but i guess i'm going to need to force myself so that i can somewhat function tomorrow! more pictures to follow soon...

REVIVED&RESURRECTED. basta...

Jeremiah 17:7-8

But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

how appropriate. i hear YOU. thanks for helping me to hear once again, if only for this moment.

in my head...

i'm having trouble hearing.

the past few weeks have been difficult. i've been going back and forth with decisions and opinions regarding the fate of my job and the issues at my school. so much is going on...and it's all unravelling fast. my faith has been wavering. why is God letting this all happen? i asked that question to one of the sisters at my school and she said, "actually it's not God that's doing it. it's the people." she's right. it's amazing how people can lose sight of what's really important really fast.

what is truth? in the book my 7th graders and i are reading (Monster, by Walter Dean Myers) the main character, Steve, says that "truth is truth." is it really that simple? what if what i believe to be true is not what you believe to be true? then how do we decide? who do we believe? what do we believe? i suppose only God will know. but sometimes, we really need to know, too.

my hair keeps falling out. in chunks. and i started to have PAC's just like david. sometimes i feel like my heart is going to explode and i get nervous for no reason. this has got to stop.

so i am/was having trouble hearing His voice over all of this. it's getting a bit better...slowly. but it's difficult. God's voice used to be one of the only voices i'd hear. i had clarity back then. decisions, though they may have been difficult, were easy to make because i always knew the answer. and the times that i didn't know the answer, i'd have trust. i'm trying to get that back.

in the meantime, this has been helping:



these guys bring laughter into my life. :D

LENT 2007.

it's here. a time for penitential prayer, life sacrifice, and giving. it's definitely here.

40 days, in the desert, alone. was He scared...lonely...afraid? what did He pray about? what did He think about? did He cry?

the journey is long and the roads, narrow. we are barely a week into lent 2007, and it already feels like it's gonna be a tough one. but, i love this season. how will i know happiness if i first do not experience pain? i am thankful for the difficult journey and the seemingly unending list of things for which to pray: decisions. his heart. grandma PB. teachers. jobs. school. MD. credential. perseverance. love. relationships. new journeys. old friends. death&life. students. journals. hair. birthdays. no meat. sacrifice. basketball. the playoffs. unity. sister. brother. mom. dad. past&present&future. life.

the list goes on and on. but, i am praying for it all. i am praying for you all. and i know He hears me.

* * * * * * * * * *

let it be known that we are NOT engaged. there have been several inquiries lately. the february 1st post is correlated with the february 7th post. and i probably should've been more clear: "we are excited for this new journey in his career." and i said "we" because most people that texted/emailed/called congratulated us both. my apologies for the confusion!