choices, pt. 1

it was exactly like how it happened in Marley & Me. in fact, we even joked about it while in the doctor’s office. my mind flashed back to the scene where jennifer and john were at their ultrasound appointment, and the technician began to look troubled as she stared at the screen. it was similar to the look that our own technician had – the “it’s bad news and i don’t know how to break it to you” look. our tech left the office to get the doctor, and at that point, we knew.

the events that transpired next came as a fast-sweeping storm. the doctor confirmed that our little 10-week baby had no heartbeat. i called my mom first, who through her tears kept telling me, “just try again.” then came the business part of it all – calling the school to tell them i wasn’t coming in, texting family members, talking to the doctor’s about what to do next, scheduling an appointment for the D&C. david held my hand the entire time.

i couldn’t sleep the weeks following the procedure. every night i cried myself to sleep. i couldn’t bring myself to go to church, not even on Christmas day. it was too difficult to even utter a simple prayer. this was not what i had chosen for David or myself. it was the first time in my life that i had ever questioned God’s plan and what He had chosen for me.

the turning point came on December 26th. we were having a 4 corners reunion, one that we had been planning for months. i didn’t feel like being there at all and almost came close to not going. i kept texting david, asking him when he was going to come and join us. all i wanted was the comfort of my husband. it was Saturday evening, and we got to church early so that Regina could sing in the choir. as we waited, i tried to figure out excuses not to go to mass. i didn’t think i could handle it, nor did i really want to be there. finally, i confessed to emely, telling her that i just didn’t have it in me. being the supportive friend she always is, she offered me a way out – cupcakes became the excuse. francia came on board and agreed to go on an impromptu cupcake run instead of Sunday mass. it quickly occurred to me that i did not want to be responsible for the potential spiritual setback of my friends, so i told them that i would be ok to attend mass. if i was going to choose between 2 of my dear friends skipping mass, or putting aside my pride and suffering through the mass, i'd choose the latter.

for the entirety of the mass, i cried. my tears would not stop, and even if i wasn’t thinking about anything, the tears continued to flow from my eyes. i chose not to open myself up to God that night in prayer, but somehow the Holy Spirit consumed me in ways i could not understand.

that day was the Feast of the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. in the first reading, Hannah, who is said to be barren, prays to God for a Son. she has a son named Samuel, and she and her husband take him to the temple to be sacrificed to God.

“’I prayed for this child, and the LORD granted my request. Now I, in turn, give him to the LORD; as long as he lives, he shall be dedicated to the LORD.’ Hannah left Samuel there.”

i think that after that mass, my healing process was able to begin.