life plans and life lessons

there comes a time in one's life where making plans and looking into the future become inevitable.  it's a sign of growing up -- a point in time where one realizes he or she must stop playing games and start getting serious about life.  it's only natural.

but then what happens when those plans don't work out the way you want them to?  what happens when you try to do things right, so that everything you had planned for yourself happens just the way you had envisioned it?  you start to second-guess yourself and begin to wonder whether or not you're on the right path, because it's turning out that this isn't really the path you had planned for to begin with.  if you live your life as a good person and try to always do the right thing, why doesn't the right thing work out for you?

it has taken me awhile (a very long while) to begin to come to terms with my present situation in life, but i am getting there.  see, i always thought that there was an order to things when one became an adult: college, job, marriage, children.  as vain as this may sound, i always figured all these things would come easy to me.  so when the children part proved to be much harder than i thought it would be, i felt like a failure -- like all my previous successes meant nothing, because i could not succeed at this.  one miscarriage...okay, that was a fluke.  two miscarriages...it's probably coincidence.  three miscarriages...what did i do to deserve this?

i won't go into the details of what each tragedy, each loss did to my life.  i've moved forward, and i am continuing to heal.  but in all of the suffering, i have learned a very valuable lesson.  i am loved.  for this lesson, i will always be grateful.

choices, pt. 2

i choose love.

there could be many reasons why the Lord chose to take our baby away. there could be just one. i don’t know if i'll ever fully understand it, but through the sorrow and tears, there is love. and that is the reason i choose to believe in.

when i married david, i knew i loved him and believed in the vows we made before God. i knew that God chose him to be my soul mate. but it wasn’t until this whole ordeal did i realize why he was chosen for me. david was the only voice i listened to through my tears. he was the only one that made sense. he was the only one who understood what i was going through. he never got tired of how depressed i was; he never made me feel like i should be “over it” already. david was the one who kept reassuring me that our baby was with God, and that one day, God would bless us with the child we wanted. he helped me to realize that choosing to love and trust in God, even when it seemed like God turned His back on us, was essential for us to survive.

i didn’t think it was possible for me to fall deeper in love with david, but i did. and if taking my baby away was God’s way of waking me up and telling me that i needed to choose love over all else, the i can accept what happened. 

i choose love.

choices, pt. 1

it was exactly like how it happened in Marley & Me. in fact, we even joked about it while in the doctor’s office. my mind flashed back to the scene where jennifer and john were at their ultrasound appointment, and the technician began to look troubled as she stared at the screen. it was similar to the look that our own technician had – the “it’s bad news and i don’t know how to break it to you” look. our tech left the office to get the doctor, and at that point, we knew.

the events that transpired next came as a fast-sweeping storm. the doctor confirmed that our little 10-week baby had no heartbeat. i called my mom first, who through her tears kept telling me, “just try again.” then came the business part of it all – calling the school to tell them i wasn’t coming in, texting family members, talking to the doctor’s about what to do next, scheduling an appointment for the D&C. david held my hand the entire time.

i couldn’t sleep the weeks following the procedure. every night i cried myself to sleep. i couldn’t bring myself to go to church, not even on Christmas day. it was too difficult to even utter a simple prayer. this was not what i had chosen for David or myself. it was the first time in my life that i had ever questioned God’s plan and what He had chosen for me.

the turning point came on December 26th. we were having a 4 corners reunion, one that we had been planning for months. i didn’t feel like being there at all and almost came close to not going. i kept texting david, asking him when he was going to come and join us. all i wanted was the comfort of my husband. it was Saturday evening, and we got to church early so that Regina could sing in the choir. as we waited, i tried to figure out excuses not to go to mass. i didn’t think i could handle it, nor did i really want to be there. finally, i confessed to emely, telling her that i just didn’t have it in me. being the supportive friend she always is, she offered me a way out – cupcakes became the excuse. francia came on board and agreed to go on an impromptu cupcake run instead of Sunday mass. it quickly occurred to me that i did not want to be responsible for the potential spiritual setback of my friends, so i told them that i would be ok to attend mass. if i was going to choose between 2 of my dear friends skipping mass, or putting aside my pride and suffering through the mass, i'd choose the latter.

for the entirety of the mass, i cried. my tears would not stop, and even if i wasn’t thinking about anything, the tears continued to flow from my eyes. i chose not to open myself up to God that night in prayer, but somehow the Holy Spirit consumed me in ways i could not understand.

that day was the Feast of the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. in the first reading, Hannah, who is said to be barren, prays to God for a Son. she has a son named Samuel, and she and her husband take him to the temple to be sacrificed to God.

“’I prayed for this child, and the LORD granted my request. Now I, in turn, give him to the LORD; as long as he lives, he shall be dedicated to the LORD.’ Hannah left Samuel there.”

i think that after that mass, my healing process was able to begin.